GLENCOE, SCOTLAND – A tense standoff at the remote Glencoe estate has escalated into a truly bizarre incident involving a notorious jewel thief, a bewildered groundskeeper, and a considerable amount of porcelain. Jewel thief Wanda Gershwitz, known within criminal circles as “The Swan,” reportedly engaged in a prolonged and spectacularly messy interrogation session with groundskeeper Archie Leach (later revealed to be the celebrated actor John Cleese) utilizing a rarely-used, elaborately decorated toilet as her primary tool.

The incident unfolded late yesterday afternoon, following the discovery of a significant portion of the priceless “Serpent’s Eye” diamond necklace within Wanda’s luggage. Authorities, initially attempting a standard apprehension, quickly realized a more…direct approach was required. According to eyewitness accounts, Wanda, a woman known for her calculated and ruthlessly efficient methods, swiftly commandeered the aforementioned toilet, a Victorian-era fixture adorned with intricate floral carvings.

“She just…she just *looked* at me,” recounted a visibly shaken Archie Leach, speaking to reporters this morning. “Like she was calculating the trajectory of a particularly unpleasant projectile. And then…well, you saw. It was…uncomfortable, to say the least.”

The interrogation, described by one officer as “a prolonged and deeply unsettling display of bathroom-based persuasion,” involved Wanda launching a series of strategically aimed, albeit surprisingly accurate, deposits onto Mr. Leach. The resulting mess covered the room in a thick layer of…well, you can imagine.

“It wasn’t about hurting him, you understand?” Wanda stated during a brief, shouted exchange with Detective Inspector McTavish. “It was about *forcing* him to remember. About disrupting his carefully constructed narrative. A little…biological pressure, you might say.”

As of this reporting, Mr. Leach remains under observation for potential shock and, understandably, a significant cleaning bill. The Serpent’s Eye necklace has been recovered, and Wanda Gershwitz is currently in police custody. Authorities are considering charges ranging from assault (with a porcelain weapon) to, potentially, aggravated annoyance. The incident has prompted a review of security protocols at the Glencoe estate and a renewed appreciation for the strategic placement of toilet paper.